It was Henryk who found the thing first. Poor, innocent Henryk. He stumbled across it (quite literally) while searching for a type of purple wildflower that grew in bunches at the base of white aspen trees— his favorite trees, in fact. He tripped over a root or rock or perhaps his own feet and landed with a soft thump on the mossy ground. He lay on the forest floor, rubbing his scraped chin and twisting his features into a pained grimace. When he opened his eyes, however, he found something other than flowers nestled at the base of the aspen trunk before him.
No, less than a foot away from his face there lay a large, shiny black dildo.
Henryk released a screech that is commonly recognized as a pterodactyl’s desperate mating call. This quickly alerted the other boys that there was trouble a foot, and they made their way in Henryk’s direction. There wasn’t a real sense of urgency considering that Henryk shrieked dramatically on a daily basis, the cause of which ranged from horrible accidents to “the first ladybug of spring(!!!)”. When they got to the boy, he was curled in a ball at the base of a tree, clutching a bouquet of violet blossoms and pointing violently at an adjacent tree.
Marc spotted it first, but couldn’t aid the others in seeing it because he was choked by his own cackling laughter. Cam bellowed, Ham squealed (in delight???), and Asher whooped so hard he farted. It was a beautiful sight, the juxtaposition of glossy plastic phallus and the demure greens, purples, and browns of nature.
“I DARE YOU TO TOUCH IT.” Henryk yelled at no one in particular, simultaneously climbing onto Asher’s back (because his “asthma was doing things”).
Ham touched it. Marc stroked it. Asher caressed it. Cam pretended to lick it, then fell into a fit of hysterical coughing/giggling. Henryk stared at it.
“That was in a person.” Henryk said.
I want to be Kyary Pamyu Pamyu.
that is the second fattest lie i’ve ever heard
the first is that you’re anything but a huuuuuuuge homo
When living in the woods one often finds quite a few things difficult. Perhaps the most difficult thing to do as a forest-dwelling boy-creature is bathing. Without any adult supervision a boy-creature is likely to go without washing for up to a year, which is in no way a desirable habit as it often leads to a child that is crusty and sticky and stinky and smelly and exactly the kind of child nobody wants to be around. However, the horrifying stench of 5+ teenage boys is motivation enough to wash up every now and again, especially when a certain brunette suffers from extremely odorous feet.
There are very few options for bathing in a forest, and the best is probably a clean river, creak, stream, brook, or other source of running water. For our young heroes it was a little river with a soft current and pebbly bank. It was a beautiful sight to behold; one of warm light and rippling water broken by climbable stones. It was frequented by wildlife, by deer and songbirds and—OH SHIT— five loud boys stomping and singing and yelling and laughing and bouncing down a path headed straight for the water.
“I WIN!” Ham screeched, splashing into the water.
“YOU TRIPPED ME!” Henryk shrieked from where he lay, limbs strewn dramatically on the forest floor.
Marc helped Henryk up and said, “Stop whining you butts and get in the water. You smell terrible.” This accusation made Henryk just embarrassed enough to forget why his knees hurt and instead take a running leap into the water. He somehow managed to strip down to his boxers in mid-air and throw his clothes on the bank.
The others were quick to follow suit. Very soon the smell of feet did not cling quite as tightly to the tight-knit group of boys. But they would never not be stanky as hell.
You know what I’m hungry for?
Some Ham between two soft white buns.
Oh SHOOT I JUST MADE MYSELF SO UNCOMFORTABLE I’M SORRY
I’M SORRY HAM I’M SORRY OH MY GOSH I’M SORRY THAT WAS TOO CREEPY I HOPE YOU’RE NOT OFFENDED IN ANY WAY BY THAT OH GOSH OH GOD I MADE MYSELF SO UNCOMFORTABLE OH GOD SORRY
When Ham first sat him down, Henryk was expecting a feelings jam like any other.
“I need your help, buddy.” Ham began. Oddly enough he was already trembling and seemed to be on the verge of tears. “I need to know what to do.”
Henryk nodded solemnly. “What’s wrong?”
“I just…” Ham rubbed at his eyes, “I just don’t know what to do!”
“What? What happened?” Henryk’s brow was quite thoroughly furrowed with concern.
“It’s my— I haven’t gotten— it’s overdue—”
“What? What’s overdue?”
“I just haven’t gotten my period this month and— I mean— I think I might be pregnant.” Ham broke down, tears sliding down his face as he hugged his knees to his chest.
“Oh. Oh!“ Henryk placed a hand on Ham’s shoulder. “Ham, it’s okay. Ham please stop crying!” he pulled the brunette close to him and held his shaking figure.
“I can’t— I can’t support a baby!” Ham sobbed and buried his face into Henryk’s shirt, soaking it in tears and snot (gross!).
“Ham, it’s okay.” Henryk shooshed the lad and pet his hair. “Ham, you don’t have a uterus.”
Ham looked up at him, eyes wide. “Wait, really? You think so?”
“Ham you are not pregnant and also really dumb.”
If you guys ask me things, I’ll draw a response.
This goes for any time, really, I just have nothing to do and this blog is DEAD
What color is my hair? I don’t even know!
May I formally introduce you to SOCKMONKEY HAT
treat him as a brother.
I’m Asher. get it?
I’m henryk? get it? i feel ready to be roasted over a campfire like an oversized marshmallow
A worthy opponent. Have ye a beard? because I do.